Thanks Sin Siu..Thanks for everything you did..without u, there will never be the me today..Thanks for ALWAYS being there when i needed u..although i had treated u a rotten way (during Form 2), u never ceased to be my fren, my soul, my diary, my teacher, my guardian, my angel, my everything..they say ppl whom u met in life will never leave ur life without leaving a footmark..if tat's true, u're the one who has the deepest mark in my life..through ur own ways knowingly or unknowingly, u taught me things tat can never be taught in schools..through ur little ways, u showed ur care in bundles..u are the only one who noes me so thoroughly tat sometimes it surprises me..even before i speak, u noe wat i'm going to say..in you, i found my perfect fren..and because of you, i hope to be, in turn, your perfect fren..thank you once again, my fren, the BEST i've ever had..
The Power of Words
Just realised how powerful words can be..be it spoken or written..by choosing ur words carefully,not only can u convey ur msg across, u can HURT or WARMTH others' heart depending on ur own will..to be able to do tat, u must of course be well equipped with vocabulary of tat particular language..
A certain msg can be conveyed very tactfully..so tat the recipients are protected from the 'sharpness' of the words..the SAME msg can be conveyed less tactfully..for those weak-hearted beware!!this also goes to show the beauty of words (and also the skills of the user)..some words when used alone seems dull and unprovocative..but when used together, it can touched other ppl's life, hurt them and evoked many more complex emotions..
Guess it's time for me to honed my skills..skill in using words, skill in communicating etc..i wonder how many hearts have i touched jus by using words?certainly less than those i've heard..yes..unfortunately i belonged to the group of people who can 'kill' people using just my tounge (pls dun think dirty)..but i believed tat i'm getting better nowadays..and one of my aims is to be able to touched ppl's life with the same tounge which was used to hurt ppl bfore..
As usual, it's always easier to be a bad person than a good person..found it extremely hard to achieved my aims..for once, in my entire life, i feel like being quiet..so tat i can neither do harm nor good..
Answers..And More Questions..
It's been quite a while since i last blog..hehehe..basically is tat i'm lazy to blog and i dun find the need to blog..cos Elyne has got most of the stuff in her blog ad..so why repeat??(in other words i lazy lar..hehe)
Refering back to the old blog on my search for my identity, i believe i've found out who am i..i am a chameleon..yes a chameleon..a very good one too..i'm capable of blending myself to diff situations and surroundings..hence the huge variety in my character n attitude..i'm SO good tat even i myself am confused..as to which is the 'REAL' me..
Then i realised tat everything i protrayed is the real me..i change my opinions on sth n my taste etc so quick tat at times even i myself find it hard to adapt..i jus cant help it..it occured naturally and almost spontaneously..and there's no stopping to it..so pls dun find me weird..so i guess my frens would haf to accomodate n tolerate wif me..so pls..jus accept me as who i am..
Been having some problems lately..which reminds me of a fren who used to think tat i dun mean wat i say cos i kept changing..sigh..i guess the best answer to it is tat my character n attitude is those which is prone to changes like the skin of the chameleon is prone to changing colour to adapt to its surrounding..i meant wat i said..at tat time..i jus cant guarantee to u if things will changed in future o not..
If u're thinking tat i've received a huge blow from someone recently which inspires me to write this, then i'm sorry to say tat u're wrong..been thinking a LOT bout it since i last blog it (pls refer to Feb 7 entry)..finally found an answer to it during Chinese New Year..i guessed tat's explain why this year i din really have the mood to celebrate new year as i was deep in thinking bout this..sigh so deep was the thinking tat even my Bro can sense tat something is very wrong wif me..but then again my Bro knew me well to know tat sth was not rite..
Ok..enuff of my chameleon-like-character..was quite sad today as i think i messed up ppl's relationship..although both parties din actually blame me..but i think i'm partly at fault..guess i interfere too much or interfere at the wrong time and wrong way..let's jus hope tat everything will be fine again..cos if not, i'll never forgive myself for wat i did..but then again, i may forget all about it tomolo..judging from my short-term memory..which is getting worse each day..sigh
sad..sad..sad cos i messed up too much..sad cos my best fren's mum is sick..she's been sick for quite some time..i think..hehe..(hope i din messed up wif the details)..she's having stomach pain..or was it abdominal pain..or does both terms mean the same??i'm not sure..all i noe is tat she's suffering from pain n she refused to see doc..so sad..and worried..cos she's like my mum to me too..i'm worried for her and yet there's nothing i could do..all i can do is to pray for her n hoped tat she's ok..
Happy Valentine's Day
its been overall a HAPPY day for me today..hehehe..basically cos i won quite a lot tonight when i was at Ai Lynn's place..hehehe..secondly is cos i found out today i lose weight..due to my sickness i guess..hehehe..hope to maintain this weight for now..hehehe..ok lar that's all for now..for those deeply in love..and those single out there (like me) :
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
Who Am I??
forgot wat exactly triggered me to write this..but somehow i've been thinking who exactly am i??in other words i think i'm going thru the process which some of u had been thru before..i'm SEARCHING for my identity..i dunno who exactly am i..sounds weird huh?maybe..dunno wat sparked off..maybe a conversation between a fren..maybe is due to the events on few days back..but wat i realised is tat this has been an issue for a long time..jus tat i've been ignoring it for quite some time..since it's New Year soon, i guess it'll be better for me to 'selesaikan' it now..hehe..i guess i'm not those who can adapt to changes tat well gua..hehe..esp changes in me emotionally and mentally..sigh..i'm so confused to a certain stage tat i dunno who to continue this anymore..maybe when i've figured out a better way to express my thoughts thru words then i'll continue..for now all i wan to say is:
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!
Is Everything Fated??
Was reading this book by Agatha Christie; titled Three Act Tragedy, and this paragraph caught my attention..it's potrayed in a different way..but in my opinion it's similiar to wat my M'sian Studies lecturer was telling us on Thurs..here's the whole paragraph which i quoted from the book:
Events come to people - not people to events.Why do some people have exciting lives while other people have dull ones?Because of their surroundings?Not at all.One man may travel to the ends of theearth and nothing will happen to him.there will be a massacre a week before he arrives,and an earthquake the day after he leaves, and the boat that he nearly took will be shipwrecked. and another man may live at Balham and travel to the City everyday, and things will happen to him. he will be mixed up with blackmailing gangs and beautiful girls and motor bandits. There are people with the tendency to shipwrecks - even if they go on an ornamental lake something will happen to it. In the same way men like your Hercule Poirot don't have to look for crime - it comes to them.
my M'sian Studies lecturer was pointing out the fact tat some people live a very smooth life where they always do the right thing at the right time and at the right place..Lady Luck seems to be smilling at them ALL the time..where as some people live a rotten life..watever they do seemed to be a failure..they do things at the wrong time at the wrong place..
if you fall into the category where things dun always worked the wat u wan it, fret not..Acc to the lecturer, God gave us two hands..one is fated to live the life u're destined to live..the other is for u to change ur destiny..some things are fated..others can be changed..so start changing ur life now..and STOP being pessimistic anymore..if you wanna change the way ppl treat u then change the way u think NOW..
HeLp!!
sigh..wanted to change the template of my blog to red/pink colour in conjunction of CNY..too bad.i dunno how..really feel like a technology idiot..hehe..so if any of u who read this pls help 'enlighten' me..thanks..
Friends...
Found this in my thumb drive..think i forgot to post it..even though some of the sentences does not stand true now, most of it still are..tat's y i decided to post it even though some may get offended after reading..hehe..so here goes..
Friends…What it REALLY means…
There’s no actual definition for the word friends.. Different people may have different concepts or opinion towards this particular word.. if u disagree wif my opinion, it’s ok, cos it only proves tat u are just another human, like me.. please take note tat these comments may not be true during later part of my life as my feelings and opinion fluctuates at every second of my life.. another thing I would like to warn viewers that this particular blog and those coming up may not be ur liking.. For this particular page I would like to comment on some of the meaning for FRIENDS (sorry if this sounds a bit formal..this is wat I call post-project syndrome..)
I used to feel that friends should not have any secrets between them.. Those who noe me well enough can verify that.. now, I feel that this definition cannot define the word FRIENDS thoroughly.. firstly, who on earth can have NO secrets at all.. A person wif no secrets, I’m sorry to say, haf no personality at all.. Look no further I was one of them.. I thought that by telling all my frens about how I feel towards them etc would help strengthen our relationship.. but I was WRONG.. utterly wrong.. Being straightforward may be good in some cases but the people today, including me, do not like to hear criticism from their frens although it’s TRUE.. once u hurt their feelings by being straightforward, be prepared to be ‘pulaukan’ by them for simple reasons like u’re not sensitive enough or u never filter ur thoughts etc.. other ideology includes that frens should be tolerant to each other and accept their weaknesses.. this brings us to my next point..
Many of us today feels that frens should be tolerant and accept each other’s weaknesses.. this like one of my previous definition of friends is another example of human’s utopia.. if this definition is true and everyone follows wat it says, there should be no discord among frens.. almost everyday at any corner of the world, frens, ranging from best frens, old frens, new frens etc, fall out among each other.. this will be the foundation of the typical gossips, backstabbing and all the ugly side of human.. remember, everyone is not perfect and everyone has the freedom to speak his/her mind.. having said tat, I don’t mean that I approve of ppl slandering each other.. although I despised backstabbers, we all must agree to an extend that the mouth is theirs..therefore they are free to make any comments, be it good or bad, about people and we have no right to interfere.. oops.. just figure out that I’ve side tracked a bit.. well back to our topic.. no one in this world can be 100% tolerant to one another and accept each other’s weaknesses and fault 100%.. not EVEN our parents.. from time to time there will be tiny little disagreements among friends.. if tolerance and acceptance is achieved 100%, will all this disagreements occur in the first place? How many of us actually saw friends around us become foes just because of a storm in a teacup? Because there’s no 100% tolerance and acceptance among humans (and it WILL NEVER be one except in ur dreams), small disagreements will end up to be big disagreements.. people who kept on insisting tat frens should be tolerant to each to other shortcomings may be THE one who make a big ‘hoo-ha’ about small matters like difference in opinions..
Finally, I think the best type of frens are those who trust u and from time to time have little disagreements wif u to entertain u towards ur ‘long’ journey through life.. I’m lucky to found a few of these frens.. but sadly to say, I’m far from being the ‘best’ type of frens..
Those who hates me to the core after finish reading this blog, all I can say is that I HAVE warned u.. so dun blame me, blame urself for being curious..
Ps: for those who feels tat frens should be 100% tolerant and accepting 100% of other people’s short coming, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, make any comments.. I dun wan to be ur excuse of breaking ur utopian definition of friends.. for those who beg to differ, pls feel free to comment about this blog.. Remember u are free to speak ur mind here..
Friends…What it REALLY means…
There’s no actual definition for the word friends.. Different people may have different concepts or opinion towards this particular word.. if u disagree wif my opinion, it’s ok, cos it only proves tat u are just another human, like me.. please take note tat these comments may not be true during later part of my life as my feelings and opinion fluctuates at every second of my life.. another thing I would like to warn viewers that this particular blog and those coming up may not be ur liking.. For this particular page I would like to comment on some of the meaning for FRIENDS (sorry if this sounds a bit formal..this is wat I call post-project syndrome..)
I used to feel that friends should not have any secrets between them.. Those who noe me well enough can verify that.. now, I feel that this definition cannot define the word FRIENDS thoroughly.. firstly, who on earth can have NO secrets at all.. A person wif no secrets, I’m sorry to say, haf no personality at all.. Look no further I was one of them.. I thought that by telling all my frens about how I feel towards them etc would help strengthen our relationship.. but I was WRONG.. utterly wrong.. Being straightforward may be good in some cases but the people today, including me, do not like to hear criticism from their frens although it’s TRUE.. once u hurt their feelings by being straightforward, be prepared to be ‘pulaukan’ by them for simple reasons like u’re not sensitive enough or u never filter ur thoughts etc.. other ideology includes that frens should be tolerant to each other and accept their weaknesses.. this brings us to my next point..
Many of us today feels that frens should be tolerant and accept each other’s weaknesses.. this like one of my previous definition of friends is another example of human’s utopia.. if this definition is true and everyone follows wat it says, there should be no discord among frens.. almost everyday at any corner of the world, frens, ranging from best frens, old frens, new frens etc, fall out among each other.. this will be the foundation of the typical gossips, backstabbing and all the ugly side of human.. remember, everyone is not perfect and everyone has the freedom to speak his/her mind.. having said tat, I don’t mean that I approve of ppl slandering each other.. although I despised backstabbers, we all must agree to an extend that the mouth is theirs..therefore they are free to make any comments, be it good or bad, about people and we have no right to interfere.. oops.. just figure out that I’ve side tracked a bit.. well back to our topic.. no one in this world can be 100% tolerant to one another and accept each other’s weaknesses and fault 100%.. not EVEN our parents.. from time to time there will be tiny little disagreements among friends.. if tolerance and acceptance is achieved 100%, will all this disagreements occur in the first place? How many of us actually saw friends around us become foes just because of a storm in a teacup? Because there’s no 100% tolerance and acceptance among humans (and it WILL NEVER be one except in ur dreams), small disagreements will end up to be big disagreements.. people who kept on insisting tat frens should be tolerant to each to other shortcomings may be THE one who make a big ‘hoo-ha’ about small matters like difference in opinions..
Finally, I think the best type of frens are those who trust u and from time to time have little disagreements wif u to entertain u towards ur ‘long’ journey through life.. I’m lucky to found a few of these frens.. but sadly to say, I’m far from being the ‘best’ type of frens..
Those who hates me to the core after finish reading this blog, all I can say is that I HAVE warned u.. so dun blame me, blame urself for being curious..
Ps: for those who feels tat frens should be 100% tolerant and accepting 100% of other people’s short coming, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, make any comments.. I dun wan to be ur excuse of breaking ur utopian definition of friends.. for those who beg to differ, pls feel free to comment about this blog.. Remember u are free to speak ur mind here..
It's Time...
Guess it's time for me to STOP being lazy..sigh..been pressured by friends from all corners to change over a new leaf..hehe..sounds weird i noe..but CHINESE NEW YEAR coming lar..haf to change..
New Year resolutions i guess..was quite surprised tat someone actually came and read my blog everyday..hehehe..well to my always loyal ai-ren..this blog is specially written for u as u're very anxious to noe bout my life here in IMU..
life's been so far so good..esp after the 'shark-pestering' incident..hehehe..nothing much happen soon after tat..except tat today's been an extremely BUSY day for me to catch up all tat i was lag behind all this while..hehe..erm.. basically woke up at ard 9 am n neno till 11 am only officially got up from bed..then went to bath at ard 12pm..while bathing half-way heard Dylan and Damiel's voices outside..seems tat my housemate let them in..neno wif them bfore meeting up wif Huey for lunch..came back at ard 1pm n start to clean and tidy my room like hell..went to Huey's place at ard 2.30pm..study my Biopharmacy there..
din help Agnes moved her stuff..sigh.. so guilty..but managed to revised finish wat i intended to do..slept for an hour or so before going to pasar malam wif Elyne n Huey..hehe..had great time there..walk back home cos couldn't find a taxi..but halfway Huey broke her slippers..so we got to take cab home..actually at tat time we're already very close to home..hehe..came back bath n online..tat was when i knew tat there's always someone who'll constantly go onine and view my blog..to this special friend who is also my dearest ai ren i thank you for ur constant support..i now know tat no distance can separate us..i'm constantly reminded tat i'll ALWAYS have a person to fall back on..
THANK YOU...
See my oversize jacket? It belongs to my uncle actually. I look "cool" for a girl, don't you think so?
2004 Overview
well this is going to be my longest blog ever..i hope..lots of things been wanting to say or write down but never got the chance esp now in sem 3..busy like hell..dun even haf time to breathe..wonder how the seniors survived..now finally got time to do wat i want..hehe..
well..since this is my first blog for this year, i think i would like to touch a few highlights of my life for last year..2004..hmm..beginning of last year..let's see..came to IMU..din noe ther were such thing call orientation..think i'm the only one who's so stupid enough not to noe about it..well, was quite glad to find out tat the orientation wasn't TAT bad after all..glad i went through it..hehe..now thinking back i kinda missed it..well next was the orphanage vusit we went..supposed to go every week..tat's wat they say lar..but u noe lar..hehe..went there once and tat's it..had great fun too..although all the kids are Indian (i'm NOT being racist here) and they (most of them at least) speaks Tamil..luckily there's Kalaivani to the rescue..hehe..then next would be the presentation of TAT particular visit..
next in the list should be the chinese singing competition..had great fun watching my frens sing..too bad i wasn't there during the finals..went to the semi-finals though..
hmm.then next should be the orientation of the bpharm..was a total failure i supposed..wat to do..u'll always need two hands to clap..was very happy bout semester 2 timetable..compared to semester 1 & 3 it was MUCH better..totally like nothing to do..one thing i hate is to having to go for malay n english class..not tat i hate english tat much but having to wake up EARLY just to attend a class is definitely not in my way of life, if i could help it..
on the whole both the english and malay classes was GREAT in a way..to destress urself i guess..but i was having great difficulty in malay class..sigh..kan dah lama tak guna..manalah ingat..kalau nak bahasa pasar bolehlah aku pass..tapi sekarang nak bahasa standard..matilah aku..even when i took my SPM essay to hand in when the lecturer told us to hand in one as homework, the lecturer say the essay was not done by me..sigh..u see how poor my malay standard has gone to..was damn happy bout the english project i did with joyce, elyne and chee mun..hehe..felt tat it was the best in the class..hehe..
well..this semester did a lot of project..was damn glad i was in the group for physio project..everyone contributed and there was no one who did NOTHING..which was a BIG deal..cos from my past experience, i've never come across to a group where everyone did at least something..damn happy man..
well another worth to mention project which is my foundation pharmacy project - glaucoma..i often felt tat by the time i finish doing tat project i'll be getting glaucoma..well..enuff of the ups..now for the downs..actually only one down lar..
so far i would say tat my life in IMU was a happy one cos the ups is always more than the downs..hehe..well, it was during semester 2 i kinda drift away from someone who got VERY VERY CLOSE to me..the reason?well, if u really wish to noe, come to see me PERSONALLY..hehe..cos i dun think i shud be publishing my private life here..esp when it concerned about others..dunno whether was a good thing o not..but it really hit me HARD..i always like to think about it as a blessing in disguise..hehe..watever it is one thing that's for sure-it's God's way of challenging me..cheem har?maybe..i din get thru this obstacle of my life(i consider it a major one) ALONE..tat's for sure..thank God i haf very good frens who always stand by me..whom i noe will ALWAYS be there when i need them..who will never leave me for wat-so-ever reasons..thanks to them(u noe who u are..if u need clarification, u can always come to me..hehe..but i'm pretty sure u guys noe who u are..and rest assure i will always be there for u..)i manage to go through this period of time i would rather forget..they let me noe in their own way tat i'll never be alone..
well..i guess tat's all bout my first year in IMU..i shud be getting to write about the beginning of Sem 3..dun be so impatient..think i'll add a few words as to the period of time in between semester 2 and semester 3..the time when i seem to 'disappear'..for those who din noe (but i guess most of u close to me would haf heard bout it either from the horse mouth or from somewhere else), i went to melbourne for holidays during this break..was a great holiday..hehe..had great fun..din really believe i actually went there..would love to post some pics one..but too bad lar..i seriously is a computer idiot..how i manage to blog i oso dunno..so LAI ELYNE, if u're reading this..teach me how to post my pics..hehe..thanks..
hmm..not going to elaborte about it lar..cos it would take forever to finish..jus wanna let those of u who tried to sms me o call me during tat time but couldn't get any reply that i went elsewhere for holiday..hehe..
well..beginning of semester 3..the microbiology lab..wat else..hmm..then next shud me my mum n sis came to kl..went for shopping spree..hehe..damn happy..bought plenty of stuff..hehe..now moving on..tat will be xmas eve and xmas day..spend my festive season wif family..din stay at home though..went out wif bro n sis n bro's frens..damn fun..
on xmas day, dad brought us all the way to kota tinggi for my so-called brunch..ate seafood..damn nice..missed the food now..sigh dunno when only can go there again..well..last but not least..new year eve..hehe..stayed at home..yup..u guessed it..spend it wif family!!yay!!but this time, i got drunk..dun ask me how..somehow i drank too much..got drunk at ard 11.30pm..not even new year yet..hehe..hmm..tat's all for now..very long ad wor..hehe..
MeRry ChrIstMas
had lab session today..on Christmas eve somemore..thank God for this lab no need to do report..supposed to do protein models today n link up to make beta sheets etc..my lab partner abandoned me after knowing i add Cystine in my protein..sigh..so kelian..luckily keli 'adopted' me..hehe..well, starting to miss my friends ad..sigh..anyway MERRY CHRISTMAS n HAPPY NEW YEAR to all..
SiEnz
Today is the hottest day in the year..in Dec somemore!!sigh..then the water was cut for GOd-noes-wat reason..stupid pollution now the whole world's weather is changed..used to haf cool wind and plenty of rain around this time of the year..but look at the weather now..more n more unpredictable..sigh..making my day lagi worst..still on my way to be a ball..think i'm going to succeed soon..think got to stop here for now..hungry.......
My HOlidays!!
well..i noe i've been missing all this while..hehe..sorry lor..my holidays were a lot more fun n less meaningful than miss Lai Elyne..hehe..
first of all cos i did not haf any part time jobs during the holidays although my mum kept on bugging me to find one..u may say that i'm lucky cos no need work only relax at home but then hor i think staying at home like me all the time very dangerous ler..sigh..i'm dangerously becoming like a ball..just went n measure my waist..guess how much..u guys sure wont believe one..
my waist is now 30 inch..scary man..even larger than my mum..sigh..now cant wear any nice baju ad..sigh..damn bored at home n i'm kinda like detach from the world for a long time ad..dunno wat's going on..very sien lar..ok lor tat's all for now..jus feel like dropping a few words cos got ppl scold me for being so lazy ad..wont be blogging for a long long time..cos erm..malas lor..as usual..hehe..on the whole hoidays are great except tat i hef my whole figure ruined..sigh..
Post Exam Syndrome
I’m seriously damn bored now..stucked in IMU for no reason..sigh..just came back from my lecturer’s room..been in there for nearly 2 long gruelling hours..dun be mistaken, I’m not being grounded..was supposed to collect my draft from him..so how long does it takes to collect a draft?? From my past experience, I would have told u the most it takes is 15 minutes (including all the explanation from ur lecturer)..
but today I spent two hours in his room..sigh..strange huh..it’s because he haf not marked my draft n is marking it right in front of me today... ish.. damn pissed off..wasted my whole day.. doesn’t really matter oso lar.. was going to rot soon due to boredom.. I actually handed him my draft 2 months ago n he din even bother to read it..the system here really sux..
here we are rushing for datelines etc n the lecturers are taking their own sweet time doing their stuff..cant they be more responsible..sigh..my post exams periods are not fun at all..yesterday right after that neno paper set by a very neno lecturer, I intend to go midvalley to enjoy myself.. in the end I ended up having to avoid people I noe..sigh..terrible huh.. but it’s really damn awkward to see them lar..nothing to tok and for a person who LOVES toking so much, it’s a torture..
so ended up in MPH (after exams..can u imagine tat??)well was having a nice quiet noon there reading books till agnes came..hehe..thanks people(agnes, elyne, tze yan n yee huey) for tat lovely gift..was a surprise..then walk around the mall wif yee huey aimlessly.. planned to watch movie but lady luck was not on my side.. went home after dinner..was dead tired but still went all over the place in bt jalil..was enjoying myself..
FINALLY..was damn tired n went to bed late..woke up damn late today..n went out wif agnes..then came back n sit for two hours in a lecturer's room, staring at him while all my frens are all out with a date..sigh..pooor single me...
What the Modern Woman Wants
This story is written by a 15-year-old Singaporean, Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen, from Raffles Girls' School, who won the top prize in the Commonwealth Essay Competition that drew 5,300 entries from 52 countries. Her short story focuses on the conflict in values between an old woman and her independent-minded daughter. Damn nice..read it and tell me how u feel..hehe..
THE old woman sat in the back seat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it might be kidnapped by the wind.
She was not used to such speed. With trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her calloused fingers. Her daughter had warned her not to dirty it: 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'
Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance', 'liquidation', 'assets', 'investments'. Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.
'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.
'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily towards the back seat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.
'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretense and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.
Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view mirror, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.
'Hello Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.'
Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.
'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the Ancient Relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'
Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'
The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence. The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.
'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.
The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick. She knelt down solemnly and whispered her now-familiar daily prayer to the gods.
'Thank you, God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years.
Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh (dialect for Caucasian man).
'Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness.
'I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.
'What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.'
The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes.
Finally, with her head bowed in reverence, she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes. She bowed once more.
The old woman had been praying for her daughter for 32 years. When her abdomen was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably a girl.
Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.
Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.
She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.
She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu (old-fashioned in Chinese). She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.
Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.
Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.
The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter leaves the earth, everything she has will count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.
The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: that her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry.
Being at the top is not good, the woman thought. There is only one way to go from there - down. The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon (rice vermicelli) in front of the altar.
Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too - idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life. Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her, and leave her an empty soulless shell at the altar.
The old lady watched her joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern women nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern women nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.
Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.
They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.
'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to find a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'
The old woman nodded knowingly.
Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out - but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a home. There's one near Hougang, it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'
The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.
'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there. You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.
This time, the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers traced the white seat.
'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view mirror for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'
What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended. 'If it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.
'It's for you Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow. I already got the maid to pack your things,' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
'I knew everything would be fine.'
Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now.
She had everything a modern woman ever wanted: money, status, career, love, power and now, freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down - yes, she was free.
Her phone buzzed urgently; she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10-per-cent increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...
And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her handphone screen, the old woman in the back seat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.
THE old woman sat in the back seat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it might be kidnapped by the wind.
She was not used to such speed. With trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her calloused fingers. Her daughter had warned her not to dirty it: 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'
Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand. 'Finance', 'liquidation', 'assets', 'investments'. Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.
'I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.
'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily towards the back seat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.
'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretense and switching to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.' The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important.
Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view mirror, wondering what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.
'Hello Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.'
Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones being easily forgotten.
'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the Ancient Relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'
Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence meant she did not comprehend. 'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!'
The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence. The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old woman got out of the back seat and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's side.
'Ma, I'll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,' she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.
The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick. She knelt down solemnly and whispered her now-familiar daily prayer to the gods.
'Thank you, God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years.
Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh (dialect for Caucasian man).
'Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness.
'I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success.
'What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.'
The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes.
Finally, with her head bowed in reverence, she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes. She bowed once more.
The old woman had been praying for her daughter for 32 years. When her abdomen was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably a girl.
Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name.
Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man.
She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.
She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu (old-fashioned in Chinese). She wanted her mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.
Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that. The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl's roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.
Her daughter had forgotten her mother's values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.
The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter leaves the earth, everything she has will count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.
The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: that her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry.
Being at the top is not good, the woman thought. There is only one way to go from there - down. The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of beehoon (rice vermicelli) in front of the altar.
Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too - idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life. Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her, and leave her an empty soulless shell at the altar.
The old lady watched her joss stick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern women nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern women nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.
Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter's face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness.
They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.
'Ma,' Bee Choo finally said. 'I don't know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to find a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves...'
The old woman nodded knowingly.
Bee Choo swallowed hard. 'We'd get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out - but once the maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won't be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a home. There's one near Hougang, it's a Christian home, a very nice one.'
The old woman did not raise an eyebrow.
'I've been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you'd be happier there. You'd be happier there, really.' Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.
This time, the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers traced the white seat.
'Ma?' her daughter asked, searching the rear view mirror for her mother. 'Is everything okay?'
What had to be done, had to be done. 'Yes,' she said firmly, louder than she intended. 'If it will make you happy,' she added more quietly.
'It's for you Ma! You'll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow. I already got the maid to pack your things,' Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
'I knew everything would be fine.'
Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now.
She had everything a modern woman ever wanted: money, status, career, love, power and now, freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down - yes, she was free.
Her phone buzzed urgently; she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. 'Stocks 10-per-cent increase!' Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her...
And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her handphone screen, the old woman in the back seat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.
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